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Post by Eden Verlorene on Dec 9, 2008 21:37:36 GMT -5
The words that had started as his Charms essay were now starting to blur horribly. It was mostly how tired he was, but the smell of whiskey easily gave away that that wasn't the only reason. He stabbed at the parchment with his quill for awhile, leaving ugly black blotches all over and ruining it. Not that it wasn't already shit. Eden thought. He knew he should go to sleep. He could work on it another time. Eden was exhausted, but he didn't sleep much anymore these days. "Fuck it." he said aloud to himself as he crumbled up the parchment, staining his hands with ink, and tossing it off to some remote corner of the room.
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Post by Ramiel Oka on Dec 9, 2008 21:45:40 GMT -5
Ramiel was lucky he could focus on his subjects, really. When he wasn't focused on his work he felt guilty. It was his fault for hurting Eden. He didn't even have a good excuse. There was no excuse. All he had was the guilty feelings and nothing to show for it. He was sure Eden hated him. Not that he blamed him. He hated himself. But he wouldn't let himself have the self pity. He didn't deserve it. Just regret and guilt.
That was probably why he was standing there. In the hallway. Lost in thought. He wanted to make it better. How could he make it better. Could he? Would Eden let him? That was a bit much to ask.
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Post by Eden Verlorene on Dec 9, 2008 21:52:25 GMT -5
Eden reached out to fill his glass and felt his whole body stiffen. He'd heard the door behind him open and knew instantly without looking that it was Ramiel. Like a deer in headlights (crazy muggle crap) he stayed dead still, staring straight ahead. His hand was still half reaching for the bottle. It felt like his stomach had just dropped down and twisted itself in knots, he almost felt he could be sick. But no. He wouldn't get up and leave, but he couldn't react either. His throat burned and he couldn't trust his voice to be reliable enough to say anything. As if unthawing from some kind of spell, he slowly reaching for the bottle and poured himself his second glass, still defiantly not turning to look at Ramiel. The knots in his stomach tightened, and the burning in his throat threatened to worsen should he acknowledge this. I understand Quinn now, he thought bitterly.
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Post by Ramiel Oka on Dec 9, 2008 22:16:15 GMT -5
Seeing him there hurt. He wasn't about to deny it. A part of him was screaming to turn and run away. But the other part wouldn't let him. That was the part that just wanted to run up to him and wrap his arms around him. Though he figured that it wouldn't end well that way. He'd embrace him, maybe cry, act a total fool. Then be rejected because it hadn't made anything better.
He should have left.
"I want to talk to you." The words just came out. There was no thought behind them. "I need to talk to you. You don't have to say anything. Please. Just listen."
Maybe it was the speed at which he was talking. Maybe he had just surprised Eden, stunned him silent. Or maybe he didn't have anything to say. But he wasn't about to ask why.
"I know that you won't forgive me. I know I don't deserve to be forgiven." He couldn't stop the words now. "But I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I never should have done what I did. I can't even explain myself. It's not something I had ever intended to do. It just happened. It's the worst thing I've ever done. I hurt you."
He took a moment to stop before his voice cracked. There was more emotion in his words than he thought possible.
"That was the last thing I ever wanted to do. And I did it. I would do anything to take it all back. Anything. But I can't. All I can do is apologize. I want to make it up to you. I don't want to hurt you."
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Post by Eden Verlorene on Dec 9, 2008 22:38:06 GMT -5
The look on Ramiel's face was too much, and Eden was too weak, he had to look away. He looked down at his glass and drained it quickly. A few more moments went by as he stared at the dregs of the amber liquid at the bottom of the glass. He pulled a pack of cigarettes from the pocket of his jacket, lit one, and inhaled, all without looking up.
"Look..." Eden looked up and sighed, unsure of what to say. "I don't know what I'm supposed to say. I can't forgive you because I can't trust you and, and I don't know what I did wrong." He ran his fingers threw his hair--a nervous habit. He took another drag from his cigarette, again unable to look at Ramiel.
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Post by Ramiel Oka on Dec 9, 2008 22:41:40 GMT -5
He sighed, looking down.
"You didn't do anything wrong. It's not your fault. I don't want you to think it's your fault." He was acting surprisingly calm about it. "And I know you can't trust me. I don't blame you. I haven't given you any reasons to trust me."
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Post by Eden Verlorene on Dec 9, 2008 22:51:31 GMT -5
Eden shook his head and began to laugh. It wasn't a happy one though. In fact, it was nearly manic. "If I didn't do anything wrong, then there was something I didn't do right." He grabbed the bottle and drank directly from it. Anything to numb this. He could feel the pain physically and desperately wanted to numb it. He wanted other things too. He wanted to grab Ramiel and kiss him violently, press his mouth to his so hard it hurt, but he had to control it.
"Did I mean nothing to you?" he asked bitterly. He was beginning to shake, and he wasn't sure whether anger or sobs was the cause, nor which would win. "Was I just someone there to occupy your time? Or was I just some cheap lay?"
Without realizing it, his hand clenched into a fist and his cigarette began to burn his hand. He tightened his fist, letting the pain occupy his mind, until it was too unbearable to hold and he allowed it to drop to the floor.
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Post by Ramiel Oka on Dec 9, 2008 22:56:02 GMT -5
Edens anger was understandable. It still hurt though. Ramiel knew why he felt that way. But it hurt him that he'd think he meant to do it. That he didn't care.
He controlled his tone. Not letting it drop to the floor level he felt it should be at.
"You meant everything to me." He couldn't bring himself to look up. "You still do. You're extremely important. It kills me what I did. I'll do anything for you. Anything."
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Post by Eden Verlorene on Dec 9, 2008 23:00:56 GMT -5
Eden stared down at his burnt palm, trying to regain some form of equilibrium. "Then why?" he asked, his voice soft and filled with sorrow and remorse. "With who?" He didn't want to know, he truly didn't, but he had to. He finally met Ramiel's eyes, truly looked into them. The sorrow in his own eyes was almost tangible. "I loved you." he whispered, still refusing to look away. "And the worst part of it all is that I still do."
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Post by Ramiel Oka on Dec 9, 2008 23:10:32 GMT -5
It nearly broke his heart, the look in his eyes.
"There is no good reason. He was a guy in my herbology class. We were working on an assignment togethor. It was late and I hadn't seen you in a while. I got caught up in the moment. There is no valid reason." It hurt to tell him that. That he'd cheated for nothing. That he'd fucked up their entire existance for nothing. Eden loved him. And he'd practically stabbed him in the heart.
He wasn't going to cry. He wouldn't let himself cry.
"I love you too.."
Crying wasn't going to help...
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Post by Eden Verlorene on Dec 9, 2008 23:21:46 GMT -5
Eden shook his head, almost wanting to smile. "Look, if that...that thing with that guy in Herbology meant nothing..." Ah, fuck it. He couldn't take it. Ramiel just looked so lost. "I'm pathetic." Eden said.
He stood up from his chair and grabbed Ramiel by the shoulders, spinning him around and shoving him down into the chair that Eden had occupied a moment ago. He couldn't help it. He knew he smelled like whiskey and cigarettes but he didn't care. He kissed Ramiel's hair, kissed his forehead, his eyes, his cheeks, his lips. He held onto him so tightly his arms ached. He didn't want him to run away. "I love you." he said softly in his ear, his voice tinged with the sound of tears that were now running down his face. "Please, don't leave."
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Post by Ramiel Oka on Dec 9, 2008 23:32:23 GMT -5
Pathetic? Eden? He didn't see it. That's not something Eden could be in his eyes. Eden was much more deserving of someone better than Ramiel.
It surprised him, to say the least. He hadn't expected Eden to do what he did. He couldn't help the tears that had decided to leak from his eyes. It made him feel weak. But as far as he was concerned this was the best moment to cry. Atleast he wasn't making noise.
"I love you too." He shook his head. "I won't leave."
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Post by Eden Verlorene on Dec 17, 2008 20:46:40 GMT -5
"We can't do this." Eden said, regretfully. "I can't trust you again this easily." He was sad to say it, but he didn't want to lie. It would all swing down and kill the relationship anyway. "I'm sorry."
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Post by Ramiel Oka on Dec 17, 2008 21:19:30 GMT -5
And there it went again. Any hope that it would be back to normal. But he nodded.
"I know. I wasn't really expecting it to work like that."
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Post by Eden Verlorene on Dec 17, 2008 21:25:15 GMT -5
"It never works like that." Eden said, moving away from Ramiel and lighting a cigarette which he desperately needed. "You have to rebuild trust and all that shit." He sighed and looked down at the patterns the smoke made in the air. "Without it, there is no relationship, and I can't trust you again. Not yet."
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